What Is Going On?7 min read

Whats Going On?
'WHAT IS GOING ON?'

It felt like being a slave or improsoned my whole life. Poverty, men controling my ability to not be homeless, poor ranking jobs....

1998...My adult life started in College or University at 18yrs of age.  I lived at home for the first two months.  I wanted to live on campus but couldn't afford housing or food.  My mom and I had some major differences that determined me basically not living at home by October that first year.  I found myself homeless & needing to live on campus anyway.  I stayed with a guy for a month and half & he brought me home to his family for Winter break and by January I had moved into the dorms.  It was not something I thought I could afford to maintain and moving out after the negative falling out with my mom, I was deperessed.  It basically destroyed my ability to focus and the boyfriend added fuel and fire to the downslide.  I failed miserably that first year and it may have gone differently if I had of listened myself and moved into the dorm first thing.  We'll never know.

That summer I tried being a live in nanny but it was more responsibility than I could do at my age then.  I was horrible at it & because of my life situation I was still depressed & my self esteem was plumeting.  By July I moved back home on a trial basis and that did not last long.  It was not good at all.  So, homeless again I was sleeping on the stairs at my University and had to beg for help.  Being a Baptist University & me having been baptised baptist you would think they would take it on themselves and help.  No.  I asked for help from the chapel leaders and no one wanted to help, they just prayed for me.  No food, nothing.  A stranger who was a misionary student asked a girl if she could help me and she did for at least a month but then she took me to the big Baptist church in our city and introduced me to the college leadership there.  Well, a decans wife was willing to let me stay with them temporarily and did for 6 months but again I was not fitting in and found myself homeless once again.

So, now a cosmetology student my new boyfriend (who would become my husband) helped me find a room for rent from a Morman woman.  She was a widdow and rented her bedrooms.  I was a definate outsider being the only one there that was not Morman.  I basically just slept there and stayed at the local Denny's or JB's as much as possible when I wasn't working.  The house had a really bad sewer roach problem and I lost a lot of sleep staying up chasing them away at night.  I didn't stay there long, I got pregnant and moved out after 4 months.

This next place was a niftly little loft-shack with a living space-kitchen upstairs and bedroom downstairs...YES, the bathroom was upstairs!  Yeah, pregnant and the bathroom is upstairs from the bedroom, AWEFULL.  I stayed there for about 7 months or so, just until I was maried to the father of my baby (it's a girl!) and then we moved to his parents house for a couple of months just until we got our own apartment.  I hated living with his parents.  They judged everything about me because they thought I got pregnant on purpose just to marry their son, NOT THE CASE!  I really was in love with the guy but I didn't understand who he really was as a person or anything really.  I thought a year of dating was enough to really know someone.

We had a son our second year of mariage and after three years of mariage it was time for a divorce.  We did not have the same of ideas about life or anything.  He never could commit to me or the respnosibility of being a husband and a father.  I had to call the police often and wanted a life without violence for me and my children.

Seperated from my husband, trying to file papers for divorce but totally depressed and attacked by anxiety... I could not focus on how to get a better life.  By this time I had graduated cosmetology school but lost all of my equiptment in the mariage struggle so I could not take my test.  No one would lend me the money for equiptment but everyone kept saying ' we will help you'.  Yes I got some help, but if someone would have lended me the money for my equipment I could have gone to work in my career instead of chasing makeup counter jobs and waitressing or bartending.

I moved in with two guys when I first left the husband and NEVER SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.  I hate the world for it.  These guys were bad news!

My sister helped me get into my own place but I could not get the hours at the makeup counter or with bartending to keep the rent paid.  I lost it.  I also dated twice during this time and both guys were nuts, CRAZY.  I lost the kids by default of missing a court date and did not appeal it because I did not know how or that there was a time limit to do so.  So, upon being evicted the second boyfriend said I could stay with him, which turned out to be with him & his foster parents.

I stayed there for four years and felt like a kept prisoner.  Life was just sucky, sucky, sucky.  I kept believing that I would find that dream job that would pay for my cosmetoligy license but each time I bought the equipment it was stolen or broken in domestic violence.  EVERY TIME!

By this point I had been told that I was a pushover and user-type people were enabling me to fail so I would keep being a resource for them.  It was eye opening and it is exactly what was happening!  My whole life felt this way.  I knew I had to get away from all relationships and work on myself.  I realized that my diagnosis back in 1994 was something I needed to consider because I had been homeless basically my entire adult life.  So, after loosing my last job I went to the homeless sheltar and began getting counseling and help.  I accepted my diagnosis and sought my social security claim.  Yes, it was degrading but if I had just done it in 1994 (I didn't kick my ex out until 1995) I would have never gone through the homelessness with my children.  That is what unrealistic judgements and expectations did to me.  I didn't want people to think I was damaged or that I couldnt do what I needed to for myself and my children, but actually I COULDN'T.

I got my own apartment in 2005.  My kids moved back home with me when they were in high school but everything we went through since 1994 was not necessarry.  I don't know how to make it up to them.

As for my life now, I am still poor but I am not homeless.  I pay my rent and utilities every month and even pay for computers and internet.  I don't date, I am solo and single.  It's just me and my children the way it should have been since 1994!

There is a problem in the world.  Young people & people in general cannot get employment that pays their rent & life expenses.  We have more industry now than we ever had, yet people cannot get jobs that pay the bills.  It is time we asked 'WHAT IS GOING ON?'

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